Change is constant in life. Some are inevitable while some are avoidable. There is, however, a kind of change that is toxic to marriages, especially what triggers them, and this shall be the focus of this post.
Do you know the only exciting part of most marriages is the honeymoon or courtship period?
It’s the time when partners put up their best selves, while their true character is not revealed. It’s the time when romance overshadows reality. But why is this so?
In marriage, some changes could be positive or negative. Some would manifest during courtship while many would later be unfolded in marriage.
Marriages don’t fail because of positive change; negative tendencies or red flags that were tolerated or ignored caused it.
Moreover, no couple who embarked on the journey of marriage does so with the mindset to divorce. What turned out to be “irreconcilable difference” that ruined most marriages were the unexpected changes that manifested in the life of the husband or wife which could not be tolerated.
Are you married or you’re presently courting?
If you’re not, you need to learn some tips on what to do to avoid negative changes that could affect your marriage.
And for those in courtship, avoid these things like a plague.
Many pretend to be what they are not, and like a chameleon, played along to get along throughout the courtship period.
Do not make your courtship like a movie where you have actors and actresses playing out a script.
I know this might be difficult to achieve, but it is better to be yourself than to pretend to be what you are not.
The earlier the real you is discovered, the better your partner decides whether to stay or quit.
There’s a limit to how far you would pretend in your relationship that your true self won’t manifest later on. You can’t hide it for too long.
Yorubas, in their proverbs, would say when lies travel for twenty years, one day, the truth would catch up with it.
If you can tolerate what you know about him or her, fine; but if you can’t, move on.
Don’t pretend as if all is well when all isn’t well.
2. Negative Tolerance
During courtship, many of us try to accommodate some negative tendencies in our would-be spouses with the hope they would change because we do not want to hurt them.
Issues like being hot-tempered, easily provoked, physical abuse, drinking to stupor, cheating, manipulation, insecurity, and the likes that were earlier discovered were swept under the carpet.
This is called negative tolerance or “foolish” compromise.
Never attempt to change or tolerate negative habits in your potential spouse when he or she doesn’t see the need to change.
“I will change” isn’t the same as striving to change because action speaks louder than voice.
Only God plus a person’s determination can bring the change they need, not you.
And to married couples, these change triggers are cancerous to your marriage.
Negative or positive influence, arising from both internal or external source affects marriages.
There’s the third party influence that comes from friends, spiritual leaders, or family members.
Some influence could seem harmless, but in the long run, it would make you change how you behave towards your spouse, and would in turn affect your marriage.
The negative influence could be in the form of suggestions, counsels, opinions, or pieces of advice.
In fact, allowing your mind to stray into different thoughts can influence your attitude towards your spouse.
If you are not grounded in the knowledge of the truth and understanding, you will accept any influence, and it would negatively impact your marriage.
Do not forget that a man (and woman) shall leave his (her) father and mother, and cleave to his wife (husband).
Leaving does not only end in physical separation, but it also entails that you reject any negative counsel that could affect your marriage.
When husbands and wives get used to each other, chances are high that familiarity would creep in. And this goes on to support the saying that familiarity brings contempt.
Now that you are married couples, do you still accord to him the respect due? Do you still treat her with such tenderness and love with which you did when you wooed her during courtship?
As much as familiarity is bound to occur, never let this cause a negative change in your marriage.
Let every husband love his wife, and let every wife ensure that she respect and submit to her husband.
This should never be a one-off thing that’s done only in courtship, but a lifetime disposition throughout the marriage.
If you are ever going to change in marriage, let your change be positive. Don’t switch from bad to worse or from good to bad, be the best version of yourself.
Your marriage will be better than your courtship when you both strive to be the best version of yourselves and you bear these things in mind.
What other things make people change from good to bad in marriage which wasn’t mentioned? Kindly share your thoughts.